The Pull Towards Realness

When we have core morals, it makes life harder.

Each decision becomes less straightforward.

When you make a decision that goes against your values you immediately feel it.

It forces greater self-honesty. Because if you don’t confront the lack of integrity in your system it throws everything else off.

We don’t get to choose the decision landscape that life confronts us with. If we did, life would be easy.

Recently life has thrown some large decisions my way — caused by varying feelings of disillusionment, lots of anger, a feeling of being wronged, and the wake up call of my own lack of self-honesty.

I’ve let this newsletter slip as I’ve focused the vast majority of my waking life on figuring out my livelihood.

I’ve learned a lot — but at the end of the day life isn’t as simple as make money. There are spiritual and communal strings tugging at our hearts that can’t go unrecognized.

Spiritual Practice

Recently, I’ve been running up against the assumption that “more spiritual practice should lead to less suffering.” Which is true on the longer-term horizons, but in the near term it seems to intensify our struggle.

I’ve been becoming slightly obsessed with the work of Shinzen Young, specifically his technique called See-Hear-Feel.

It states that there are only 6 axes in which consciousness can experience itself. (Seeing, hearing, or feeling. Inside or outside) Let me explain.

• See

  • Out - Visual Objects

  • In - Mental Images

• Hear

  • Out - Sounds in our Environment

  • In - Mental Talk

• Feel

  • Out - Physical Sensations

    • Smelling/tasting fit into this category

  • In - Emotional States

The technique goes something like this:

Notice what’s most salient in your present experience (seeing, hearing or feeling) and note it. Then fully experience that sensation. The note the next thing.

It goes something like this: see … see … feel … hear … hear … hear … hear … see … feel … at a random cadence for the entirety of the practice.

The great thing — you don’t need to be on the cushion to do this practice. You can do this while driving. You can do this while someone is talking to you (noting mental talk and images.) You can do this while eating, while working. The possibilities are endless.

But as I’ve been integrating this practice into my life I’ve noticed that my moment-to-moment suffering has actually increased.

Shinzen describes this experience as follows:

As you start practicing you find safety/comfort in your distractions. When you start meditating you’re actively going against those coping mechanisms so you end up feeling even more suffering and lack of safety as before your started meditating. Yet, if you meditate enough eventually you cross the chasm and every conscious moment is imbued with ease.

All to say … being present with our shit is hard … keep going.

Attitude

Lately, I’ve been viscerally confronted with the trap of toxic positivity. A state of being positive at the expense of human care, understanding and realness. I’ve noticed myself recoil into the realness of negatively valenced states.

What’s the middle ground?

Is it informed optimism? Is it the full-hearted embrace of suffering? Is it pure willpower?

I’m honestly not sure what the synthesis is.

What I do know is that life is hard — and to wish that it would be otherwise only makes things worse.

Ethan.