What does it mean to be a man?
My attempt at articulating an integrated masculinity
What does it mean to be a man?
This is a question I’ve been asking myself quite a lot recently, and my conclusions have changed radically over the course of the last few years. I’ve gone from modern masculinity to a re-embrace of traditional masculine values and back. I feel that I’m finally arriving at something that feels integrated and holistic and that’s what I’ll attempt to articulate in this essay.
It all comes back to morals …
Courage, strength, integrity, honor, bravery, purpose, direction, mastery, discipline, and radical responsibility.
The way each man embodies these core morals is going to look different.
It’s not about how you embody it, as much as your commitment to embodying them.
As far as I see it there are a few non-negotiable traits of masculinity:
The willingness to stand up for yourself and push back against those trying to take advantage of you
Being committed to your purpose and direction in life
Having some semblance of discipline, structure and dedication to mastery
Always biasing towards responsibility and away from feeling like a victim
The drive to protect and provide for those one cares about
I’ve also come to realize the importance of healthy competition and sparring with other men in order to practice the traits above (specifically that of standing up for oneself.)
When proponents of traditional masculinity tout that modern men are weak, what they’re noticing is that more and more men these days don’t know how to stand up for themselves and end up being vulnerable to being taken advantage of. As Jack Donovan put it his book The Way of Men:
If I push, will he give way? Will he push back?
If you can treat another man like he is your kid brother, you are the alpha.
This leads me to believe that an integrated masculinity requires strength of spirit, of mind, and a strong sense of who one is and what they stand for.
A few days ago I took my first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class and was astounded. The act of wrestling and engaging in combat with other men was deeply refreshing. I left the class feeling level-headed, clear and empowered. My stress was non-existent. It offered me an arena to practice strength and courage that was what John Vervaeke would call an optimal grip.
I was pretty nervous going into the class, not sure what to expect. Then within 5 minutes of the class starting we were practicing defensive moves that involved flipping our opponent over our back and onto the ground in one swift motion. Then the next moment I was getting choked and had to find a way to survive. It’s a situation I haven’t found myself in since I took Hapkido classes at the age of 13.
As Charles Taylor has set forth beautifully in his book Sources of Self, you can’t have a strong identity without strong morals. Yet our modern culture makes us believe that morals aren’t important (that they’re optional.) Which is why I started this essay with the words “it all comes back to morals”
Perhaps the best way to see this is to focus on the issue that we usually describe today as the question of identity. We speak of it in these terms because the question is often spontaneously phrased by people in the form: Who am I? But this can’t necessarily be answered by giving name and genealogy. What does answer this question for us is an understanding of what is of crucial importance to us. To know who I am is a species of knowing where I stand. My identity is defined by the commitments and identifications which provide the frame or horizon within which I can try to determine from case to case what is good, or valuable, or what ought to be done, or what I endorse or oppose. In other words, it is the horizon within which I am capable of taking a stand.
It is fundamentally life affirming to take a stand for what type of world we want to see.
The crisis of masculinity and of culture writ large is that we don’t know what we stand for (or alternatively that what we stand for has been co-opted by ideologically based sound bites.)
The core shift that I’m committing to making in my life in 2025 is to consistently discern the moral signals that my body is giving me and becoming more clear on what it is I stand for and how it is I want to live my life. In other words, to ground myself in a specific location in moral space. To know who I am compared to other people and what I stand for and what I don’t stand for. To know clearly what I perceive as the good and what ought to be done.
I’m convinced that in deepening this practice I will resolve some of the other goals that I’ve had in the past like becoming more decisive.
So looking forward to 2025 I’ve spent time mapping out my goals and objectives but most of all I’ve mapped out who it is I want to become.
The type of person that I want to embody and the orientations that that person has on the world.
I’ve set forth a vision for myslf that I believe embodies an integrated masculinity. I will become some who (is):
Practices the value of courage often; sees risk and steps into it anyway.
Feels fear and acts anyway.
Knows their values and morals, and has deep conviction in them.
Sits in the uncertainty of big decisions and then acts anyway.
Deeply decisive, makes decisions fast based on gut instincts and intuition, reflects on decisions to improve decision-making processes.
Deeply confident and convicted in their message, inspired and moved by their mission daily.
Has a strong sense of direction.
Thinks deeply about a wide array of ideas, constantly reading books and making time for intellectual growth.
Runs a successful business offering AI services to others, balancing ethics with business.
Balances ethics with action, intellectual and spiritual mastery with physical mastery and strength.
Deeply loving with morals oriented towards love for human life, sharing meaning and purpose to create more good in the world.
Practices intensives and profound meditation and contemplation regularly.
Has strong boundaries, knows what they stand for and what they won't tolerate, and understands why they need to say 'no.'
Understands the laws of power, spots manipulation in others, and is resilient to manipulative tactics.
Derives lessons from their own experience and bases decisions on these lessons, avoiding naively implementing others' lessons.
Consistently honors their own needs, desires, and wants; not a people pleaser.
Knows their worth and does not need others' approval to feel good about themselves.
An integrated masculinity is one that embodies courage, discipline and mastery in multiple different dimensions of live.
Spiritual discipline and mastery
Physical discipline and mastery
Intellectual discipline and mastery
Career discipline and mastery
Emotional discipline and mastery.
It’s not that physical mastery trumps another type of mastery. Rather it’s that the ethos of mastery, discipline, direction, courage, etc. are woven into all of the dimensions of life that we participate in and that’s what it means to be an integrated man.
Note: This is my current perspective on masculinity which will inevitably change going forward, but that doesn’t mean that you should take every perspective here as relative.
I’m deeply convinced that our sense of morals, identity and where we stand in relation to others is a crucial aspect of masculinity, as is the ability to stand up for oneself.
What do you think?